Back again

I'm still here.
Feeling tired and bored and alone and it's cold and dark outside... and I don't feel like working, but at the same time I do, and I'm not alone, not really.

More later, maybe.

Stealing (multiple)

In a comment on the post
Picking your Poison about choosing your PhD or Masters advisor, Moebius Stripper writes

I pointed out that there was nothing impressive about being assigned high-level papers to read. If I were able to understand them, that would be impressive. Still, though, I blamed myself for not living up to what I foolishly thought were reasonable expectations.

I don't think I'm in such a bad place as she was then, but I do recognise her thinking in these few lines. It's exactly what I would be thinking.

Fortunately, green gabbro has a consoling thought:

Everyone has rough patches and insecurity and self-doubt. I was in that bad space junior year, and the absolute worst thing, the thing that brought me closest to dropping out and fleeing science for good, was thinking that my insecurities and doubts were ironclad evidence that I wasn't cut out for it. The worst thing anybody could have done for me then would've been to confirm that this was the case; the best thing anybody did was tell me that my fears were common and normal. That's why I'm such an academic-blog junkie - I still crave the reassurance that it's okay to not be just a curiosity machine in a jar, that successful researchers also feel frustrated and apathetic and overwhelmed.

And at Brutal Women I found good advice....

Stealing (8)

I'm quoting Profgrrl again. She visisted her mother and had an illuminating chat with her and some friends of hers.

"What was wonderful was that they have this attitude of "well, you can just leave academe and take on a new career -- most people have a few career shifts in life" with none of the negative. They don't know that inner voice or prevailing culture that says "people will think you're a failure if you leave" or "you went to school all of those years for this?" And while the inner voice doesn't plague me that much, I can see it in other academic's eyes and hear it in their voices when we discuss people who have opted out or discuss whether or not we would ever opt out (and I always, quite honestly, admit that I consider it). It makes me feel uncomfortable."

"Their thoughts on the whole PhD thing can be summed up as follows: It is one choice of many that people can make in life. Getting a PhD is an accomplishment, but shouldn't have to dictate future measures of success in your life. Making choices that make you happy is the most important thing."

"Mama and friends discussed my success not in terms of being invited into the club (...). We discussed it in terms of being happy in life. In terms of finding the right community -- at work, at home. In terms of feeling like you did good, on some scale, at the end of the day. In terms of setting my own goals based on my own desires and then achieving them."

Read it all

Nothing much new

results from the second therapist-meeting: i seem to have stopped working just before getting burnt out. & i will start group therapy soon - which is sort of scary but i'm looking forward to it as well. it will be nice to see other people with similar problems, learn from each other, realise a bit more i'm not alone in this.

the sun is shining again. literally, that is. not sure about how it is in my head. it's all a bit mixed up. i feel tired, i don't want to do much, i can be really pleased with a new leave on a plant or a bird singing on the roof, i try to take each day as it comes, not planning too much, not thinking about when will i be able to work a bit more. on the other hand i'm growing a bit impatient. shouldn't something be changing? is this one day a week i'm working too much? or is it not enough?

Tuesday Night Plant Blogging

Because it's not Friday yet and I don't have a cat anyway...

The red pepper seeds that i planted two weeks ago have come up. Yesterday all that could be seen were little white loops, but now at least ten tiny little plants with each two tiny tiny little but green leaves have straightened themselves up.

The big guy in the corner is doing great. There must half a dozen new bright green leaves. It is already almost as tall as I am.

Stealing (7)

It seems that Profgrrrl reads my mind.

It's a long excerpt (is that a word?) but that doesn't matter with stealing, does it?

"I'm endlessly curious -- but about everything, not just my topic/field. That includes people, relationships, places ... I don't want to be confined by my work, and I feel my work is better because of my distractions."
"I entirely respect my colleagues who work 7 days a week and rarely accept distractions. I admire that they can go to a conference and attend non-stop sessions without getting bored or worn out (and actually feel like they're benefiting from it all)."
"When I see that I not only cannot do these things but do not want to do these things I do wonder if I'm in the right place. I want to do my job well. I want my research to be useful and a contribution to the larger conversation of the field. I want to be a good colleague.
But ...
When I fast-forward 10 or 15 years in my life I don't think about whether I'll be at associate or full, or whether I'll have a named chair or massive funding from NSF and 10 books to go alongside my 100+articles in my extensive research empire. None of these feel like an adequate measure of worth in my eyes. Instead I think about whether I'll have the lightness in my heart to enjoy a sunny afternoon. Whether I'll still call a girlfriend and be reduced to giggles. Whether I'll have someone to snuggle up with at night. A home decorated with memories of famiy and adventures. A passport full of stamps and addressbook full of friends. Not just stamps from trips where I worked and didn't see the sights at all. And not just work-friends, but real friends. The kind who take one look at you and know whether to offer you a drink, tell a joke, or give you a hug, and who you can call on the phone and say nothing and be instantly understood. Those are the things that I want in my life."

This feels very very true.
On the other hand, my problem seems to be that, although I feel like this, that work isn't thát important, at the same time i think it is. Or should be. Or at least, I should 'perform' or succeed in it, doing as much as good as the weirdo's who do nothing but work. Now that makes life complicated.

So... tell me, how's it going?

i'm not sleeping too well lately, especially falling asleep takes time. after that, it's usually ok, i wake a bit early but can easily fall asleep again. getting up is ok, at nine that is, except on the days i have to go to work in the afternoon. that's telling, isn't it?

it's still hard to say 'i can't do that now' - will practice though. for starters: i want to leave an hour early on my teaching day.

i find i'm kinda scared of people lately. not so much that i won't go for groceries, but i don't feel too comfortable walking around on my own. that's not usual for me. it is, however, a symptom of burn out & the like. so there.

cooking is fine, i enjoy thinking about what to eat and preparing something nice for myself. i made apple compote the other day. but the dishes pile up. & the house could use some cleaning. i do wash my clothes though, and myself.

how i love to sing! it's getting a bit better every time. during the last lesson i caught myself sounding pretty loud and clear. i even dare singing out loud at home. not sure how the neighbours like that.

maybe it's because they are so quiet, but i'm more fond of my plants than i've ever been before. i even talk to them. especially the big one that keeps making new leaves

(and i seem to have grown tired of capital letters)